This column is a sequel to “Family, Football & #DadLife: Part One.”
“Children are a poor man’s riches.” – English proverb
You did it! You got that kid out, healthy and probably happy (it’s hard to tell with all the intermittent crying and sleeping and eating and crying), and now you’re home! Hopefully, you have some family help for the first few days (we did) because your wife is going to be pretty sore and very tired.
And you, my friend, are going to be tired, frustrated, confused and delirious. You’re going to do things like fall asleep standing up. You might put your baby’s diaper on backwards, or forget to put one on altogether. You’re going to get peed on. You’re going to get pooped on. And you’ll absolutely get spit-up on. You won’t eat dinner at a regular time, if you even eat at all. And it’s not that you’re not hungry. Because despite all the gross things you’ve been dealing with all day, you are still starving. What you’ll find is, you’re too tired.
If you’re lucky, your baby won’t cry a lot. We weren’t lucky. And they cry about everything, with no discernible difference. There is no hungry cry, tired cry or uncomfortable cry. Just the one screeching loud, intrusive, ear-splitting cry. You’re probably sleeping in shifts, so you’ll be trying to figure this whole crying thing out on your own, and panic may ensue.
After not sleeping for probably a solid 20 hours, it was my wife’s crack at some shut-eye. Jack, our 4-day-old baby wouldn’t stop crying. I fed him. He kept crying. Checked his diaper. Not it. Checked his temperature. It was 92°F. Oh, God! He’s dying!! Panic-run upstairs, wake the wife, we have to get to the hospital. She says let’s try taking his temperature again. He’s fine. The lesson here: Don’t buy cheap baby thermometers.
If you’re lucky, your baby will sleep. And almost no one gets lucky in this department. And even if you do, you’ll still be exhausted. Waking up every few hours to feed and change a baby is quite the sleep interrupter. I swear, I was delirious for the first few months Jack was alive. But you’ll learn to get creative with sleep. Not just yours, but theirs too. And you’ll try anything. Driving. Rocking. Walking. Juggling. If there’s the slightest chance it’ll work, you’ll do it. And when you find something that works, get ready to find something else in a few days. Because nothing lasts forever.
The early days of parenthood are hard. They can be demoralizing. You feel like nothing you do is right, and that you’re in way over your head. The exhaustion certainly doesn’t help. But, like I said, nothing lasts forever. That precious, screaming, sleepless baby will stop screaming and start sleeping. And they’ll start smiling and laughing too.
All of the sleepless nights and pulling your hair out in a state of delirium will fade into the past like a distant memory. That thing that gave you fits and you wanted to give to someone else because what the hell were you thinking? All of a sudden they become your greatest joy, your greatest accomplishment, the reason you wake up in the morning.
And just like those early hard days of raising a child don’t last forever, neither does the fantasy football season. We’re nearing the end, my friends. For most of us fortunate enough to make the playoffs, next week is championship week. If you’re fighting to get to the promised land, it’s not as cut and dry as it has been in years past. You might be streaming quarterbacks, desperate for a running back or pleading with the fantasy football gods for a serviceable wide receiver. Have no fear, I’m here to help!
It’s time to get down to it with this week’s “Hot, Medium & Mild: On a Wing and a Prayer Playoff Waiver Wire Edition.”
HOT — Ghost Pepper
QB: Philip Rivers: Houston at Indianapolis
I’m shocked that I’m writing about Philip Rivers in Week 14 of the season as a streaming quarterback you should pick up, but it’s warranted and could change the course of your playoff matchups.
He’s been efficient all season and carries a 97.5 passer rating. He has no less than 20 fantasy points in his last four games. He has 10 touchdown passes in his last five games. And Indianapolis is going up against a weak Houston defense while in the hunt for the AFC South division crown.
Philip Rivers is available in 68 percent of Sleeper leagues. If you are streaming quarterbacks or need to fill your super-flex slot, get out there, grab Rivers and get him in your starting lineup.
MEDIUM — Hungarian Wax Pepper
WR: Gabriel Davis: Buffalo at Denver
In a loaded offense in Buffalo, Gabriel Davis has become a consistent red zone target for Josh Allen. In the last three weeks, he has had an 80+ percent snap share and a touchdown down in each of those games.
With Cole Beasley and Stefon Diggs grabbing the majority of the blanket coverage, it has opened up Davis’ opportunities. He is only owned in eight percent of Sleeper leagues so he should be available.
This week Buffalo heads into Denver to face a team with a decimated secondary. This, along with having minimal run threats and a quarterback in Allen who has been spreading the ball out, adds up to Davis having another big week. Look for the trend of red zone targets and involvement to continue this week for Davis, making him a sturdy WR3 or flex option to get you to the championship.
MILD — Cubanelle Pepper
RB: Zack Moss: Buffalo at Denver
Zack Moss has 335 rushing yards, 82 receiving yards and four total touchdowns this season.
Running back options on the waiver wire have been pretty limited as of late. We’ve been forced to reach for players like DeAndre Washington and Ty Johnson. It’s been wild. Zack Moss is a guy who has seen an increased volume two of the last three weeks but I’m here to tell you, don’t be fooled.
Buffalo is a pass-first offense, and while we all really want Moss to play a bigger role for them, it’s not happening any time soon.
Since Week 1 where Moss saw four targets from Josh Allen, he has been completely irrelevant in the passing game, only seeing more than two targets once. With no usage in the passing game and widely inconsistent carry loads, Moss is a guy you should be ignoring on the waiver wire.
And there you have it. Take it or leave it, and good luck in Week 15!
And now for the pinnacle of my column, the funniest dad joke you’ll read all week!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
As always, thanks for reading. For more fantasy and life content, find me on Twitter @jenatejack2017.