“I have poop on my hands!” No. 2 (Pun intended).
We started potty training our son on Aug. 20. I remember this because I wrote down the date of his first successful pee in the toilet on his potty training chart. Not in his baby book like a “perfect” mom would do, but just on a piece of paper that now floats around our house, trying to find its permanent place in history.
It started off really well. I did my research, picked out the perfect potty training chart to fill with stickers for every successful attempt at going potty in the toilet. I bought the stickers, got the prizes, obtained the pull-ups. I found the potty training watch. I got the books. I acquired the toddler potty training seat. I bought it ALL, to the point where I was sure the bank was going to call me to make sure my purchases were legit. I felt like this was going to be a slam dunk.
After all, our son is a really fast learner, and I assumed that it was going to be a one-and-done.
Pee in the toilet five times.
Poop on the toilet five times.
Ask to go potty five times.
Wash your hands five times.
Stay dry for five days. (This one seemed the hardest, but, hey, I’m not an expert and it was on the chart, so how hard could it be?)
As Malcolm Gladwell says, it takes 10,000 (Hours) or times, in this case, to do something to be considered an expert. Apparently, they’re right. We’re still here, potty training. For some reason, the 3-year-old needed more than five times to learn this new skill.
After the fifth (FIFTH!) chart, I couldn’t take it any longer. I researched a new option — “The Three-Day Potty Training Method” — which sounds absolutely terrifying and impossible to new parents. Let me break it down for those who are not familiar:
Day One: Strip your kiddo down to bare buns and leave them that way all day. Set a timer for every 20 minutes and force them to sit on the toilet. Every 2 minutes, say “Tell me if you have to go potty.”
As a side note, you never ask a toddler a “yes” or “no” question because the answer will always be “no.” The question “Do you have to go potty” will always yield a “no” response and a puddle of pee on the floor. Watch your kid like a hawk. There will be no time to scroll your insta feed or laugh hysterically at TikTok videos. All you can do is watch and pray, watch and pray.
Day Two: Pretty similar to Day One. Watch, pray, watch, pray.
Day Three: You’ve made it! It’s Day Three, and you’ve reached the penultimate day where miracles are realized. Today, your child is magically going to the bathroom on their own and without you urging. You’ve cleaned up 876 “accidents” and done 10 extra loads of laundry, and you feel a sense of relief knowing that you can finally get back to Instagram, TikTok and your Kindle. In our case, you’d be wrong.
Day Four: Crap. He has school today. Will he make it all morning without an accident? Will his teachers be cleaning literal poop off their hands because he couldn’t make it to the toilet on time? Did I pack enough spare clothing for the number of accidents he’ll have?
I ripped half of my hair out until we picked him up. We cautiously walked to the pick-up area and waited. And waited. And waited. For what felt like 1,000 years, we waited. And then, out walks our son — in the exact same outfit we sent him to school in. What just happened? The report was shocking. He didn’t have a single accident.
Unfortunately, he hasn’t stayed accident-free since that delightful day, but he’s trying. He will, however, willingly go to the bathroom when he’s at school, or Grandma and Grandpa’s house. But not at home. He made it the entire day today without an accident, until 30 minutes before bedtime. He walked up to me and put his foot in my face. To my shock and horror, there was poop on his foot, 2 inches from my face. It took everything in me to not scream a number of expletives that immediately came to mind.
I picked him up, rushed him to the bathroom and started cleaning off his foot, urging him to go in the toilet, telling him I’m sad because the “potty fairy” won’t be bringing him a present in the morning, etc. Then I looked up, and our eyes met, and he said, “I have poop on my hands!”
You’ve got to be kidding me. He had poop on HIS hands! Ironic, right? Bless his little heart, he’s trying, but we all mess up from time to time. We all get poop on our hands. We still have accidents and misses. And, just like a child learning to use the bathroom, we pick ourselves up with each accident or miss and move on.
Now, how about some football?
Jen’s Week 6 Friday Night Insights
Chase Claypool (WR, Pittsburgh Steelers)
Chase Claypool’s 42.6 PPR points were the most by a rookie since 1996.
The biggest poop on our hands (miss of Week 5) was Chase Claypool. The Steelers wide receiver had 110 yards on seven receptions and had four touchdowns — three receiving and one rushing. Incredible.
Who could have seen this coming? Prior to Week 5, he was owned in only 8.8% of ESPN leagues. But in Week 5, Ben Roethlisberger targeted him 11 times, giving Claypool a 32.3 percent share of the receiving load.
Where does this leave us going forward? Will Big Ben continue to have his sights set on Claypool? Will the rookie continue to put up big numbers?
Likely, yes. However, he now has a target on his back and will split the shares with JuJu Smith-Schuster, Diontae Johnson and James Washington.
Jarvis Landry (WR, Cleveland Browns)
In one of my leagues, I’m choosing between Jarvis Landry, Jamison Crowder and Deebo Samuel to fill my WR2 and flex positions in my starting lineup.
I’m going to take a flyer on Landry and leave him in my lineup. With the news that Odell Beckham Jr. was sent home sick, Landry will likely take the majority of the action if Beckham were to miss Sunday’s slate.
He had 88 yards over four receptions last week against a fierce Colts defense. I expect Landry to come up big in Week 6 against a Pittsburgh defense that has been much tougher on opponents’ run game, allowing the passing game to flourish.
Jamison Crowder (WR, New York Jets)
The steady slot man, Crowder, will fit nicely in my flex spot as he heads to Miami this week. But let’s face it, The Jets are terrible. And with Sam Darnold out, along with a laundry list of other injuries — and the veteran Joe Flacco in — Crowder will likely be the No. 1 target again.
He had a monster Week 5 with 116 yards and one touchdown. Let’s hope and pray he can do it again in Week 6 against Miami’s improving defense.
Deebo Samuel (WR, San Francisco 49ers)
The previous two starts mean that second-year receiver, Samuel, will ride the bench this week. He’s coming off IR and into an unstable situation in San Francisco. Jimmy Garoppolo is likely to play, but I don’t trust him. He’s broken my heart one too many times, and now I’m paying the price with sitting Samuel.
This week will mirror potty training as I watch and pray, watch and pray.
As always, I’m here to join the conversation, drink in hand, and watch this crazy COVID-19 year unfold. Cheers!
Game Day Drink Recipe for the Week:
Brunch in a Glass, The Loaded Bloody Mary
- 2 oz. vodka
- 8 oz. Bloody Mary mix (I prefer Freshies Hot Mary Spicy Habanero)
- 1 spoonful prepared horseradish (more, or less depending on how spicy you want it)
- 1 teaspoon Tabasco (or other hot sauce of choice)
- A dash of worcestershire sauce, pepper and celery salt
- 1 stalk of celery
- 1 slice of thick cut bacon (baked or pan-fried until crispy)
- 1 pickle spear
- 1 green olive
- Combine all ingredients, stir and add garnish. Enjoy!
Thanks for reading and follow me on Twitter for more motherly and fantasy sports advice @JenPolvogt.