”I have poop on my hands!” This is not a phrase any self-respecting adult thinks they’ll ever utter out loud.
And yet, here we are with poop on our hands, screaming for our partner’s help as we run from the diaper-changing station to the sink. And that’s not even the grossest thing about parenthood (I’m not kidding, as I write this, Jackson found fresh cat puke and started running his fingers through it).
Just before the COVID-19 shut down, we were lucky enough to spend a week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It was glorious! The food, the people, the weather. It was all so amazing. We spent our days next to the pool, on the beach or exploring the beautiful town.
Our son was in heaven. He had his grandparents, his aunt and uncle and his parents doting over him, and there were very few rules. He made friends with every single resort employee (he was 2 at the time), as well as the other guests. But, as the old saying goes, all good things must come to an end, so we packed up and embarked on our voyage back home.
The airport was fine. The flight was fine. Everything was going swimmingly until my husband went to get the car, leaving my son and me to fend for ourselves at our home airport, Denver International Airport. We were having a fine time rolling 5 suitcases around, playing games and people-watching.
There was a looming “something” in the air. I couldn’t figure out what it was until my son projectile vomited everywhere. It was madness! Minus the usual spit-ups when he was a baby, he had never puked before. I was in complete shock. It was all over his stroller, his clothes, even down into his shoes! I didn’t know what to do first.
My instinct was to hold him and assure him that everything was going to be okay. Yep, you guessed it. Now I have puke all over me, too.
I was sick on our last night in Mexico, so my husband packed all the suitcases…meaning, I had no idea where replacement clothes were for either of us. It was a disaster. I had all 5 suitcases open and belongings strewn everywhere while my son thrashed around the airport naked.
After about 30 minutes and with the help of two very nice airport workers, we were finally in clean clothes. With the stroller in its current pukey condition, I had nowhere to strap my son down, and every minute felt like an hour until my husband finally arrived like a white knight to save me from hell.
Do you think that was the end of it? Absolutely not. He puked two more times on the car ride home. Then, when we got home, as I was holding him, he puked down my back and in my hair. Then, he puked down my husband’s back. He was up all night throwing up in his bed. And we were doing middle of the night bath sessions.
One thing I learned but had never wanted to utilize, was the double sheet trick. For those who are unfamiliar, that’s where you have a waterproof mattress cover down first, then a towel on top of that, then a sheet, followed by another waterproof mattress cover, towel, sheet. That way, if you have a middle-of-the-night catastrophe, you can just take the top layer off and you’ve got a fresh set underneath. Genius. Saved our bacon.
Adding to the puke, our son, of, course, also had explosive diarrhea. You guys, it will go down in history as the WORST ending to a vacation. But we survived. And we’re stronger parents because of it now.
The thing with parenthood is that you have Mexico days and you have barfing-diarrhea days. And every day is different and new. Just like the football season, we live to fight another week.
Last week was crazy. We saw Cam Newton and 20 Titans players/staff members test positive for COVID-19. There was an insane scramble amongst managers to find back-ups, and waiver wires were scarce. We saw an upset with the Browns beating the Cowboys 49-38, were spot on with the rest of the matchups and continued to watch Josh Allen in amazement. There were a whopping 48 touchdowns in the first half of the early games this week. It was so exciting to watch, and the pure entertainment of it all was exhilarating.
And then there was poop on our hands. The second half of most games were frustrating and downright crappy, especially for managers who had Austin Ekeler or Nick Chubb (and Mike Evans for a minute). Benched players were on fire, and it was maddening. Tre’Quan Smith, Ronald Jones, Sam Darnold and Tee Higgins were all politely sitting on our benches while blowing kisses in our direction.
Poop. On. Our. Hands.
Sports are messy.
Life is messy.
Work is messy.
Family is messy.
Friendship is messy.
Luckily, we can clean up, buck up and look forward to more success next week.
Now, how about some football?
Jen’s Week 5 Friday Night Insights
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. We’re entering Week 5, waiver wires are scarce and injured reserve slots are all but full. So what do we do? I’m going to share some of my strategies for my starting lineup each week in the hopes it can help you dominate in a sketchy situation where you’re pulling your hair out and at your wits’ end.
Tre’Quan Smith (WR, New Orleans Saints)
On the heels of Michael Thomas‘ ankle injury, Trequan Smith has received a lot of attention. In last week’s game against the Lions, he had 54 receiving yards and two touchdowns. He fits nicely in the Saints receiving line, and Drew Brees likes to target him in the absence of Thomas.
But what about this week? We still don’t know what’s going on with Thomas’ injury, so it’s risky to start Smith. Also, we need to make key decisions prior to Sunday’s slate, leaving Smith, and others, in the air, awaiting Monday’s game against the Chargers and a game-day decision on Thomas.
So where does that leave us? In this particular league (Super Flex with a 3 quarterback option – one starter and two flex positions), my other wide receiver options are Jarvis Landry, Tyreek Hill, Jamison Crowder and Chris Hogan (questionable ribs/knee), with Hogan as my only benched receiver.
I’m going to leave Tre’Quan Smith in my flex position until Sunday morning. If it looks like he’s not going to start and Hogan becomes a full participant in practice, I’ll switch Smith out and throw Hogan in.
If you’re not in a normal flex league, I’d bench Smith until Sunday and favor Landry, Hill or Crowder and wait for a decision on Thomas. If Michael Thomas is playing, Smith could still see a share of passes, but Thomas will remain Brees’ No. 1 receiver.
Darren Waller (TE, Las Vegas Raiders)
Darren Waller has been a bit of a rollercoaster this year. He started the season with 45 yards receiving and no touchdowns. Not bad.
However, in Week 2 against the Saints, he blew through the gates with a monster game resulting in 105 receiving yards, 12 receptions and a TD.
Then, Week 3 against the Patriots, he let us down. Big time. He had an underwhelming nine yards and two catches. Last week against the Bills, he managed 88 yards, nine receptions and a fumble.
All of this is to say that I’m not loving him as a solid starter against Kansas City’s defense this week. Plus, Waller is questionable with a knee injury and was limited in practice on Wednesday.
If Waller is healthy, he stands a chance to have a decent game against the Chiefs. The Raiders are 13th in passing in the league this season, and Derek Carr has had a handful of good games. Last week, against the Bills, he threw for 311 yards, two passing touchdowns and a fumble. He and Waller are likely to connect in the end zone again this week, but Waller’s looming injury has me nervous.
I’m going to keep Waller in until Sunday morning, and if he’s healthy, I’ll be happy. If not, I’m going to pull Herndon from my bench and pray that the Jets can get it together and pull out a win against Arizona, or at least put up some decent points.
Hopefully, we all walk away from Week 5 with clean hands and a W in all of our leagues. As always, I’m here to join the conversation, drink in hand and watch this crazy COVID-19 year unfold. Cheers!
Game Day Drink Recipe for the Week:
Perfect Game Day Dirty Martini:
- 2oz vodka (or gin, if that’s what you’re into)
- 1/2 oz dry vermouth
- 1/2 oz olive juice (you can buy it without the olives at most big liquor stores)
- 3 olives slung on a toothpick
- Shake all ingredients (minus olives) in a shaker over ice for a 10 count while jumping on a trampoline (if you’re lucky enough to have a trampoline). Then pour through a strainer, strategically place toothpicked olives in a glass and enjoy!
Thanks for reading and follow me on Twitter for more motherly and fantasy sports advice @JenPolvogt.